7 Stupid Ways to Optimise Your Mornings (If You Hate Them)

I’m not a morning person, because, well, I’m a person. It’s not natural. All that waking up, getting up, doing stuff. Jesus. That’s not what nature designed us to do. Here’s a quick recap of Darwinian Evolution, just to remind you: we evolved to use as little energy as possible in pursuit of the most reward.

Which bunny rabbit is closest? Good. Fine. Let’s eat that one. Who’s going to get it? I’m not.

In other words, we’re programmed by centuries of surviving to not do anything until we have to.

It’s dark. You’re tired. Bad, horrible things happen out there in the world.

Meanwhile, your bed is comfortable, warm, and safe. How on Earth could it be the right idea to have an alarm clock which tells you that you have to do a thing now? Sometimes, of course, the modern world is not configured to do exactly what you want it to, which is why you must sometimes do mornings.

Well, if we the world is going to make us do them, let’s do them the way that nature intended: half-arsed and selfishly.

1. Pre-planning

The first problem with having to get up in the mornings is having to get dressed. I mean, really, what is the point in this ritual? You take off your clothes at night, which makes you cold, then you put bedding on top of you. Why? To make you warm. Then everything is dreamy and nice for 8 hours. Then a little bleeping shit machine wakes you up, and reminds you that you have to take the bedding off. Then what happens? Well, you’re cold again. So you have to put clothes on to make you warm, don’t you. It’s a four-stage process that is screaming for optimisation. Indeed, it’s a four-stage process that needs four less stages.

Sleep with your clothes on from now on. Congratulations! By the happy rules of bad maths, you’ve just optimised your life by 400%.


2. What the…?

The second problem with having to get up in the mornings is having to get up. Every day, you can’t remember waking up, but there you are again, staring at a ceiling and a universe that is completely beyond your comprehension. Is that a spider in the corner? What is existence?

If that wasn’t enough to deal with, the reason you seem to be awake at all is because of a little bleeping shit machine that last night’s horrible version of you thought was a good idea. Jesus, you were such a bastard last night. Luckily, though, you weren’t such a complete and utter scumbag that you didn’t buy an alarm clock without a snooze button. Now is the time to mash that snooze button with your rational decision-making palm, you happy champion of all that is bed. While this stage may not strictly seem like optimisation, it is a very important step needed to generate and stockpile the frantic panicking energy that will be required later.  

3. Goddamn Dave…

The third problem with having to get up in the mornings is having to actually get up. You’ve hit snooze five times, which is normally five great decisions in a row, but then eventually you will realise that there is a thing that must be done somewhere, because if it is not done, there will be Consequences.

Could be a job.

Could be a funeral.

Could be some lasagna in the fridge that needs to be eaten before goddamn Dave wakes up and gets it first.

Depending on the severity of these consequences, obviously, it may be fine to hit snooze a few more times. Trust your sleepy brain. Let your heart be the pilot of your dreams. Etc. Only if you must, should you heave your peaceful lumbering carcass from a reclined position into one that is more ready to punch life in the face.

The weird thing about actually getting up is that you never remember doing it. Never. You just have two mysterious settings: not being Up, which is characterised by wondering how you will ever get up; and being Up, which is characterised by wondering how you got up. The quickest way to optimise the transition between the two is to put the alarm clock on the other side of the room the night before, or hide it in a pile of alarm clocks, or strap it the back of an easily panicked Fijian bird.  

4. Cleaning

OK. There you are. Confused, naked, on the other side of the room, but undeniably Up.

Wait, you’re not naked. You’re dressed, because you were smart last night. Good work, team. Now what? Well, unless you want to go back to bed – which is always an option (it’s only on the other side of the room, remember) – this weird new situation probably calls for something that looks like progress. To the bathroom, my friend!

Many will believe that having a shower is an optimal use of time. They’re wrong. The correct answer is always a bath. But that wastes energy, you say. Does it? Well, what about all that energy you are going to waste by standing up unnecessarily, and physically moving the falling water to the parts of your body that smell the most? Exactly. Take the smelly parts of your body to the water, where they will have to do the least work. Baths are just showers that you sit in.

That is assuming you actually have time to get undressed and dressed again. If not, don’t worry. Morning washes can be optimised further by what is known in the trade as a ‘whore’s bath.’ This consists of quickly flinging a  wet wipe around the key areas until they smell enough like chemicals and lavender that you can leave the building.

Finally, wet your hair. This will trick the world into thinking you’re one of them.


5. Go go gadget caffeine

You’re up, you’re dressed, you’re enough clean. What next? More progress, of course! Onwards to the kitchen, my dreamy-headed comrade. It’s time to attack yourself with a morning caffeinochino. Coffee will flush your veins with the necessary chemicals to attempt breakfast.

Best served, hot and drunk. Most optimised, cold and eaten. Yum, yum, yum.

Go go gadget caffeine!  

6. The most important meal until the next meal

Breakfast is another one of those horrible morning processes in dire need of optimisation. Cooking every time you want to eat – what’s that about? If you are truly an Enemy of the Early, you will have cooked a large meal the night before, and left some.

Oh, lasagna’s not breakfast?

Curry is not breakfast?

Salmon-en-crute is not breakfast?

Who are you, the Queen? We don’t have time for the philosophical conundrum of what is, or what isn’t, remember. You’re late. That’s because you pressed snooze too many times, champ. Put a few handfuls of old food into your morning hole, and move along.


7. Transportation

Some people believe that driving directly to Work or Thing or Place is the most time-optimised practice. Again, they’re wrong, these people.

Public transport is always best, exactly because you are not driving. You don’t have to concentrate, and you don’t have to use your hands, and you don’t have to interact with other sleep-deprived motorists. This frees up your brain and limbs to catch up on all the morning things you didn’t have time to do in your house. Use this time to shave, brush your teeth, eat the rest of your breakfast, cook, get your presentation ready for the meeting, and dress yourself, preferably in that order.