Dealing with the British: His countrymen betrayed him... now he's betraying them

Offer Amnesty to British People (a.k.a. Europeans)


The UK has always had a strange will they, won't they relationship with the rest of its continent, perhaps because it is one of the main chunks of it that has floated off. It could be the thin barrier of water surrounding us - and all that time marinating in our own juices before phones, televisions and airplanes squashed us into Europe's business - but the British seem to feel uniquely separate from their neighbours, which is why they, unique amongst the Europeans, still go on holiday "to Europe."
In spite of this rather large inattention to detail, I strongly believe that the EU should offer all of us amnesty - to retain, or regain, or simply to notice our identity as people of the European Continent.
Sure, you might say that I'm biased because I don't want to Leave my apartment, to fill out loads of forms, or be compelled to shotgun-marry my girlfriend in some spectacularly unromantic Brexit-fuelled proposal ("darling, these last few years with you have been the most bureaucratically convenient of my life. I can't imagine us ever not being together, as we translate complicated visa paperwork. Would you do me the honour, of signing this contractually-binding legal document?") Indeed, I know it might be a little harder than normal for Europeans to feel generous towards the British at this particular juncture of history, but hear me out.
Britain right now is half-full (well, 48% full) of people who want to be in Europe, right? This includes the majority of the young (73% of 18-24 were for Remain), the educated (students were 6 to 1 for Remain), and an overwhelming number of scientists, academics, economists, historians, doctors, business leaders, and artists. What's more, they're currently strapped to an economy about to go through some serious shit, whilst living only 22 miles away from the world's 2nd biggest economy, the EU.
Britain is also half-full (well, 52% full) of people who don't want to be in Europe. They're not interested. This includes the majority of those with no formal education, the increasingly old (60% of over 65s were for Leave), an overwhelming number of the retired, all of our racists, and that guy who my lovely yet spectacularly uninformed grandmother legitimately thinks is called "Nigel Garage." (She pronounces it the American way.)
Germany, meanwhile, has a rapidly ageing population, and a ticking pension time-bomb to disarm. So do Italy, France, Spain and Poland. Germany, apparently, needs 500,000 migrants a year, to have any chance of balancing its books. This means, probably, that you're going to get more immigrants anyway, whatever you think about that... so, well, why not some higher percentage of British ones?
If, for example, you would prefer the kind of immigrants from Britain that Britain would apparently prefer from the world, why not the British? You don't even have to sort them out... Brexit was the filter!
In terms of assimilating us, I'll admit that we might be a bit high maintenance (we'll probably need you to speak English to us for the first few decades or so), but, on the whole, I think you'll find us to be a relatively mild-mannered bunch. You'll know roughly what you're getting, at least. Monty Python, Mr Bean, binge-drinking, the old lady, the big clock, those four lads from Liverpool, penalty shoot-outs, sunburn. That's us, isn't it? Harmless bunch, really.
Sure, we might act like we own the place a bit, and our long-winded, indecisive, pain-in-the-arse brand of politeness will drive you slightly insane, but other than that, you probably won't even notice we're here. We'll queue, we wont want to cause a fuss, we don't have any preferences you can't overwrite at your will, and we'll be easily impressed when you show us fancy, exotic "European" things, like renting, and cuisine, and keeping your shirt on when the temperature passes 20 degrees.
'Brimmigation,' as I call it, could be a policy hit across the entire political spectrum. Even PEGIDA would have a hard time spotting us from a distance (apart from the sunburn.)
What's more, inside the EU 'free movement of people' is the rule. But Britain won't be inside the EU, will it? Nope. So you could be as selective as you want after Brexit, if that helps sweetens the deal. If you're worried about getting too many of us at once, clogging up your otherwise efficient bureaucracies with our crippling inability to make minor decisions quickly, why not demand a Points-Based Immigration System? One point for voting Remain. One point for trying to learn the language. One point for knowing that Britain is in Europe.
Just think about the opportunities on offer! What kind of Remain voters would you like to invite to fill the holes in your economies and societies? Some engineers, maybe? Scientists? Some more women? Less snorers? Families? Freelancers? What about some musicians? We're good at that! Let the Brain Drain begin!
As young Britons flee post-Brexit Britain, desperately swimming across the channel on makeshift boogie-boards for the hope of getting their 28-countries-for-the-price-of-one passports back, the EU's PR department could be there to rescue them with aluminium blankets and a warm flask of tea, before ushering them quietly away to start paying some taxes. Not only is it win-win for the EU - as the Continent lovingly absorbs grateful, useful people at the expense of the UK - but pulling hypothermia-ridden liberals onto the shores of France, Belgium and the Netherlands will be a great propaganda victory for the EU in its upcoming Mildly Cool War against Britain.
EU 1 : 0 UK.
I, for one, am ready to defect. Offer me amnesty. Please!