Dealing with the British: His countrymen betrayed him... now he's betraying them

Impose a Stricter 'Points–Based Tourism' System


There was a great amount of irony to be enjoyed in the run-up to the Referendum. There was the irony of Britain – of British Empire fame – saying “we don't want to be ruled by other people!” Then there was the further irony of Britain – of Royal Family fame – saying “because we never elected them!” And then there was probably the greatest irony of all: the stereotypical “Little Englander” fear of people moving around Europe freely, in a month when hundreds of thousands of England footballs were marauding around France for the Euro cup, smashing the place up.
If any one should be scared by the free movement of people, clearly it's any country brave enough to host the European championships any year that England manages to make it through the qualification round. (Yes, that's a little dig.) With only a small bit of water and no visa regime to protect them, the Continent should be terrified of theoretically unlimited amounts of British people, descending upon their nice, historic towns, full of Belgian lager and covered in curry sauce, climbing inappropriately into war memorial fountains, and chanting – with an optimism unrestrained by data – about England winning. Whenever you hear a crowd of people singing “FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME, IT'S COMING HOME!,” you are witnessing the fascinating scene of collective delusion called England fans. Take a photo – who knows when you'll get another opportunity? (Little dig.)
Every night in June, you could turn on the news across the UK, and hear someone from the Leave campaign complaining about foreigners, then the next report would inevitably be embarrassingly repetitive scenes of British people, covered in British flags, re-enacting the end of Braveheart on the cobbled streets of some pretty European town. In fact, England fans behaved so badly in neighbouring France that their team was threatened with expulsion from the tournament, and the British Football Association, in an act of utter desperation and questionable decision-making, dragged Wayne Rooney in front of a television camera to appeal for calm. For those who don't know him, Wayne Rooney is a kind of human fight, in football shoes. It was the football equivalent of dragging out Pavarotti to appeal for diets.
Clearly, then, if there's any one that should be scared of the free movement of people, it's the host nation of any sporting event that British football fans are involved in. It was the second Migrant Crisis of the year. I mean, I don't want to give ISIS any more ideas, but if they had really wanted to cause mass carnage and terror at the Euros, they should have tried opening a Free Beer Tent in the vicinity of a chip shop.
Anyway, the new hot topic amongst the British is a “points-based immigration system.” When it comes to negotiating with my countryfolk, I think the EU should suggest something similar, except the other way around, using alcoholic units instead of points. For example, if you've had more than 3 pints at the airport before you try to leave the UK, you're not allowed out.

Negotiating Tips

  • Remember that when British people leave Britain, they do not consider themselves immigrants, but “ex-pats.” It's important to know the difference, as an “ex-pat” is basically an immigrant, except with less expectation of language-learning, cultural assimilation, or contributions to the economy.

  • When discussing the “common market,” remember that British people do not conceptualise the EU as 510 million people with the freedom to live and work anywhere - Venice to Vienna, Barcelona to Budapest, Marseilles to Munich. No. They see 510 million people with British passports. 

  • British “ex-pats” living in countries like Spain and Portugal may not actually be aware that they are residing in different sovereign territories, as their only desired criteria for a host community is, “Britain. With sun.”